Preparing 20 Month Old Toddler for Baby Brother

No Longer the Baby

When I was pregnant with my second child, my biggest concern wasn't my horrible morning sickness or decorating the nursery. It was how my so ii 1/ii-year-one-time girl would feel well-nigh our new improver and if I could ward off sibling rivalry before my son even arrived. And I know I'yard not alone.

Whether you're about to add a child to your family unit or already have two (or more) squabbling kids, how they go along is probably on your mind. "Though sibling rivalry is natural (and inevitable), being proactive in those early days and years tin can have a big impact on your children's relationship down the route," says Laurie Kramer, PhD, professor of practical family studies and director of the Family Resiliency Center at the Academy of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign.

At the heart of sibling rivalry is the fact that brothers and sisters have to share their parents' love and attention besides as space and possessions. They're likewise figuring out their place in the family and concerned about fair treatment and control. The good news? "Eventually, your children larn to adapt to ane some other and share their parents with each other," says T. Berry Brazelton, Doctor, author of Understanding Sibling Rivalry: The Brazelton Way (Perseus Books). Here are xv ways (some of them simple) to assistance make that happen.

• How to Explain, "Mommy's Having a Baby"

Adapting Once Baby's Abode

• Screen the sibling stuff. Before sharing those "becoming a big sister or brother" books and DVDs with your child, take a expect at them. "A lot of the information that'south meant to prepare kids for a new baby focuses on the conflict or dissatisfaction that comes with having a sibling," says Kramer. In her enquiry, a lot of mothers said that their children felt positive nigh having a sibling and that they were worried these disharmonize-ridden books and shows were introducing their kids to issues they weren't fifty-fifty thinking about. "They can give kids the idea that not getting along is a possibility," says Kramer. Look for materials that describe the large brother or sister as caring and warm (i of our favorites is I'm a Big Sis or I'm a Big Brother by Joanna Coles). Salvage those that highlight negative emotions (like Za-Za's Baby Brother past Lucy Cousins) until later your child has experienced these feelings, so she's reassured they're normal.
• Don't go on the infant a mystery. Even kids as immature as 18 months to 2 years can feel that things are irresolute, so not mentioning your new addition until he arrives is a bad idea. "Talking most the baby ahead of time helps to prepare your child," says Dr. Brazelton. "Your discussion is not so much an annunciation as an acceptance of the baby as a future footstep for the whole family." Accentuate the positives by telling your older child that she'll have someone new to love. Explain that this infant volition exist her little sister or brother, so she'll see having a sibling as a privilege or souvenir. Then once more, don't overdo information technology. "Too much discussion of the wonder of information technology all will fix her up for fifty-fifty more rivalry with the 'thing' in Mommy'south tummy," says Dr. Brazelton.
• Describe the baby equally a real person with his own needs and interests. For example, explain how babies need milk and diapers and that they slumber a lot. "Research shows that parents who talk openly to their children earlier the new infant and who explain that he or she is a real person tend to accept kids who go along improve down the road," says Kramer. "We talked about the baby a lot with my v-yr-sometime daughter. We let her pick things for his room and had her describe pictures for him," says Alyssa Sadoff, a mother of ii from New York City. "Past talking nearly the infant, without taking the focus off her, in that location was no jealousy, simply excitement and enthusiasm when her brother finally arrived."
• Encourage friendships. Studies show that children who have at least one close friend before their sibling is born have better relationships with their new brother or sister. Kramer followed kids from when they were toddlers until they graduated from high schoolhouse and found that this touch on was long term.
• Don't blame your belly. While you're significant, your growing midsection may exist the reason you can't go down on the floor for a tea party with your toddler. But don't tell her that. She may think it's the babe's fault, and resentment may build before your little one is even born.
• Give your older child someone to love. When yous come home from the hospital with your package of joy, give your older kid a new doll or fauna to treat. "This way he can nurture it while you lot nurture the baby, which gives him something to practise while you're busy, and it can assistance him identify with y'all a trivial chip more," says Dr. Brazelton. This strategy worked for Sara Mason Ader, a mother of ii from Hingham, Massachusetts. "The one thing that got my 2-year-old daughter to sit still (and stop climbing on me) when I was nursing my son was that she sat next to me, pulled up her shirt, and 'nursed' her doll besides."
• Heave his ego. Make your child feel proud and connected to the new baby past proverb things similar, "She only smiles like that when you're around" or "She likes when you hold her bottle." You lot can besides make your older kid feel skilful by having him testify the little i how he does things, such as put on his socks or brush his teeth.
• Create a little helper. While you're significant, let your older child choose a few things for the babe (such as books or toys). When he is born, let her assist you lot feed, breast-stroke, and apparel him (with age-appropriate boundaries, of course). For case, a preschooler tin fetch you a diaper or selection which bodysuit her niggling blood brother will wear that day. Assisting y'all will make her feel included and of import. Yet, if she does not want to aid, don't force it, or information technology can be counterproductive.
• Don't downplay the infant. "Some conventional advice suggests de-emphasizing the importance of the new infant compared to your older child," says Kramer. "But that could start a life of competition betwixt the siblings or brand the older i feel entitled to special treatment." Instead, explain that new babies require a lot of attending and that she received the same treatment when she was a babe, but she doesn't need that assistance anymore. "Your child is more probable to empathize if you link your behavior to the babe's needs," says Kramer. My girl responded well when I explained that babies are so tiny and new that they don't know how to practise annihilation like feed or dress themselves -- things that "big" girls similar her were so proficient at. When I emphasized this, non only was she more accepting of her little brother, merely she was and then proud of being older that she tried to be even more independent.

Equally They Get Older

• Stay out of it. When it comes to older kids, unless something dangerous is happening, don't bound in the centre of an statement or get worked upward when they fight. "When parents go involved, information technology makes fighting more than exciting to the kids, and they may use it as a style to go your attention," cautions Dr. Brazelton. Plus, taking sides or jumping to one child'south defense tin can lead to resentment. Letting them solve problems and compromise teaches them valuable life skills.
• Boast about their good behavior. Instead of giving your children attention when they're bopping each other with Mega Bloks, do information technology when they're good. "Praise them when they work out a conflict or are sharing, and indicate out how adept it is that they have managed on their own," says Kerry Caverly, an early childhood good at the Parents as Teachers National Center. Kids love positive reinforcement, and so they may proceed it upwards in hopes of getting more.
• Don't separate them. "A lot of parents are so concerned nigh minimizing disharmonize between their kids that they tend to keep a toddler abroad from an baby, get them involved in different activities, or give them separate bedrooms," says Kramer. "These things may subtly give kids the message that information technology'due south not of import for them to develop a potent human relationship." Instead, make sure to tell your kids that their bail is special and detect things they enjoy doing together.
• Lose the labels. You probably know that you shouldn't compare or label your kids, but make sure others (from strangers to grandparents) don't do it either. For instance, y'all phone call one of your kids "artistic" or "athletic." "This may induce competition, considering it puts a value on existence artistic or able-bodied and makes a child think he's not as valuable every bit his brother if he's non that way," explains Caverly.
• Carve out time for each kid. With decorated families and lives, information technology's piece of cake for a younger child to constantly trail along to an older one's activities. This can lead to resentment if the little i thinks the earth revolves around his big brother or sister. "Make fourth dimension to exercise something special with each child," says Caverly. And when you are, say, watching your firstborn play soccer, make your youngest feel important past designating him the game lensman.
• Remember that fair doesn't always mean equal. "Every bit a parent, y'all can't treat your children every bit because they're different people," says Caverly. For example, i child may reply to existence disciplined with a fourth dimension-out, while another responds simply from hearing yous raise your voice. You take to use what works for each. This also goes for when you lot're taking one kid out and non the other. For example, even if you're taking your younger child to the doctor, the older one may be jealous at non having you to herself. Explicate that today her sister needs to become to the doctor and that another 24-hour interval she will. If kids feel there is a reason for being treated differently and that it's justified, y'all'll stir up less rivalry.

Siblings hugging

Credit: Erin Patrice O'Brien

I'm happy to report that all my worrying virtually how my daughter would feel near a new baby and how well they'd get along turned out to be unnecessary. Yes, there are days when she will tackle my 2-year-quondam for touching her markers, or he'll throw an Elmo doll at her. Only far more often, I'll observe them laughing together, playing tag, and cuddling on the couch watching Dora. At least for now.

From Firstborn to Sibling

How your first may fare during those first months with a new infant are uncharted territory, says T. Berry Brazelton, MD, author of Agreement Sibling Rivalry: The Brazelton Way (Perseus Books). Hither are a few things to expect from your firstborn child:

• Tantrums may become more than common, particularly when the baby is getting attention.
• During the infant's fussy period at night, a toddler may also have a meltdown.
• To pull you abroad from your new addition, your older child may seek out a forbidden activity that he knows you'll react to.
• He or she may slide backward in any new developmental expanse such as talking, sleeping through the night, or potty preparation.
• Some children get through the first months easily without acting up and may even be helpful and compliant. Just this probably won't terminal, and then await some of the above at a subsequently date.

Rewards of Having Siblings

While having more than kids ways a heavier workload for Mom and Dad, as well as a bigger financial brunt, "nothing can be more of a gift to a kid than a sibling," says T. Berry Brazelton, MD, author of Understanding Sibling Rivalry: The Brazelton Way (Perseus Books). Hither's why:

• All that bickering is teaching your kids to negotiate, compromise, solve problems, and recognize other people'due south needs.
• Siblings learn how to tolerate painful emotions, because fights with a brother or a sister tin often be harsher than those with others in their life.
• Younger siblings accept someone older to lookout man and learn from constantly, while older siblings become experience nurturing, teaching, and leading.
• Brothers and sisters learn to share and to savor giving to others.
• Siblings have companionship and a close friend for life.

Mom'due south Little Helpers

Adapting to a bigger breed takes fourth dimension, simply your older kids may adopt a doting (even helpful!) role:

"If I'm changing Nora's diaper, Maeve says, 'Okay, Nora, let me sing yous a song.' Nora merely sits there and stares at her big sister." -- Kate, Summit, New Jersey, mom to Maeve, 3, and Nora, 1

"I telephone call Zachary the 'third parent.' Right now he'due south "pedagogy" Andrew to use the potty!" -- Alisa, Boxford, Massachusetts, mom to Zachary, seven, and Andrew, 3

"Cassidy has a lot of fun pretending Cale is her prince or her puppy, which keeps them both happy!" -- Colleen, Missoula, Montana, mom to Cassidy, 4, and Cale, 21 months

"At a party, one of the older kids was yelling at Veronica. Anita said, 'Stop yelling at my sister! You're going to make her weep.' I was touched by her protectiveness." -- Sonia, Eastward Greenwich, Rhode Isle, mom to Anita, 4, and Veronica, xix months

"My boys were very sweet when our third child was born. Matthew gave Chris toys that he wouldn't exist able to play with for years, and Jack became upset if he idea I wasn't responding to the crying quickly plenty." -- Kate, Pelham, New York, mom to Jack, 10, Matthew, 7, and Chris, 5

Michele Bender is a female parent of two and a freelance writer in New York City.

The data on this Web site is designed for educational purposes only. Information technology is not intended to exist a substitute for informed medical communication or care. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting your pediatrician or family unit doctor. Please consult a physician with whatever questions or concerns you might have regarding your or your kid'south condition.

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Source: https://www.parents.com/baby/development/sibling-issues/how-to-help-your-firstborn-adapt-to-baby/

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